When I read the plot synopsis for the new film from director Jocelyn Moorhouse (Proof, How to Make an American Quilt), my first thought was “Who does Diane Keaton play in this one?”
But it turns out that this story of four elderly female friends reuniting for a big event in Florida, drinking all the fruity drinks they can guzzle down and flirting with mostly age-appropriate silver foxes does not include Keaton. Perhaps as a result, it’s a tad bit better and more bearable that the screeching, squawking, indefensible films that she tends to make recently (including Summer Camp, from earlier this year). The Fabulous Four is still a terrible movie, but it’s terrible because the screenplay (by Ann Marie Allison and Jenna Milly) lets down a decent cast at nearly every step.
The actors here all have had moments in their careers where they were at the top of their chosen type of performance. Susan Sarandon, playing mousy doctor Lou who was jilted decades earlier when her boyfriend was “stolen” by Bette Midler’s Marilyn, is still one of the greatest actors of her generation, but she is reduced to a two-dimensional character whose only flavors are envy and resentment.
Midler used to be an edgy performer and biting comedian, but here, Marilyn is a TikTok-obsessed, bubble-headed widow about to get married once again and completely clueless that she owes her former best friend an apology. I was especially excited to see Sheryl Lee Ralph (Abbott Elementary) on board as Kitty, the weed-growing entrepreneur with a religious-zealot daughter who has rejected both her sinful mother and gay son, and she probably fares better than most in this shallow tale. Finally we have Megan Mullally’s Alice, whose only character definition is that she throws herself at any and every (usually younger) man and speaks only in innuendo.
When Marilyn announces at the last minute that she and her intended have moved up their wedding plans (for no reason other than adding an abbreviated timeline to the movie), the other three women fly in from points unknown to reunite in Key West. Each interaction the women have has the sophistication and comedic timing of an ’80s sitcom but without the laugh-track (trust me, no one will be laughing at any screening of The Fabulous Four), and the entire affair feels emotionally stunted and choppy in terms of the conflicts that arise and then are promptly dealt with or left until the end to resolve so the film can tie up everything neatly.
Bruce Greenwood shows up as Ted, a local bar owner and potential love interest for Lou, while Timothy V. Murphy pops in as a sea captain named Ernie, who also shows an interest in Lou. Alice does hook up with a couple of men in the film, but apparently none of them have names. Singer Michael Bolton shows up as himself because I guess women of a certain age still swoon for Michael Bolton. He actually gives a surprisingly compelling performance here… just kidding, he sucks too.
Look, I’m fully aware that this movie was not made for me or anyone in my demographic, but I honestly can’t imagine anyone really finding The Fabulous Four particularly good. That being said, Ralph and Mullally do add a certain quirkiness to the proceedings that I found less grating than either of the Book Club movies (also starring Keaton, who I will remind you is NOT in this movie). But “slightly less grating” really just means I didn’t want to claw my eyes out as much while watching this tired, pandering nonsense. If you need a place to take the older women in your life, find a theater that’s still playing Thelma, a film with actual heart and laughs.
When will this crap end? Maybe sooner than we think: of the four upcoming films listed in Keaton’s filmography, only one of them looks a carbon copy of these type of moronic comedies (it co-stars Midler and Goldie Hawn, in case you were wondering). I hope I live long enough to see it.
The film is now playing in theaters.
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